rec.juggling Most Annoying Questions ver 3.1
Here is the MAQ for rec.juggling. This is a list of the
Most Annoying Questions that are regularly posted there,
with snide answers. Please read this before posting
a question in rec.juggling. It may contain the information you need.
Corrections, additions or changes to conway@bdt.com.
Thanks to Ed Carstens, McD and others for input. For more juggling
humour, see my juggling page.
Changes from the last release:
- Converted to HTML, added some links.
- Minor wording changes.
Warning: This post contains humor, cynicism and drug
references. It is not suitable for children and people
of an unduly literal disposition.
These are the questions that are answered below:
- Contact Juggling...
- How do I find out more about Contact Juggling?
- How do you do those crystal ball tricks?
- David Bowie did cool stuff with crystal balls on Labyrinth. Have
you seen it?
- What do all those numbers mean?
- Can anybody else do 8888881?
- Any tips for getting my seven balls more solid?
- How do drugs affect your juggling?
- Why is the IJA so fouled up?
- What exactly is Burke's Barrage?
- I just learned to do three balls, what do I do next?
- Hi, I'm new here and....
- Where the FAQ?
- What is the Juggling Information Service and how do I access it?
- This is a test. Did it work?
- Where can I buy juggling props in Normal, Illinois?
- I saw this guy on PBS in a triangle.. way cool. Who is he?
- I saw this guy juggling a bowling ball, an apple, and a tennis
raquet.. and guess what, he took a bite out of the apple! Do you
know who I'm talking about? Can you do that?
- I saw this guy bouncing balls on a keyboard on the floor.. way
cool. Who is he? And where can I buy one of those keyboards?
- I want do do comedy in my juggling routine. Are there some
standard juggling jokes I can use?
- I want to buy clubs. Who's are the best?
- I know this isn't really juggling, but do you know if there's a group for...
- ...Yo-yos?
- ...Unicycling?
- ...Balloon Sculpture?
- ...Clowning?
- ...Mime?
- How do I find out more about Contact Juggling?
- How do you do those crystal ball tricks?
- David Bowie did cool stuff with crystal balls on Labyrinth. Have
you seen it?
This is not really juggling at all so we do not discuss it
here. You will find all the information you need in the
FAQ for alt.boomerang.
There is a running joke here in rec.juggling (which unfortunately
has made its way into the FAQ) in which seasoned posters attempt
to persuade newbies that certain classes of juggling patterns
can be represented by numerical strings, and they go on to discuss
the 'tricks' that they have just learned. This is of course
nonsense, as you will soon discover if you attempt to follow
any of the 'explanations' of this system. Personally I think that
jokes of this sort are in very bad taste. Clowns like Boppo and
'Mister' Frog should stick to face painting, and leave rec.juggling
to the serious jugglers.
Just ignore any post in rec.juggling containing more than three
numbers in a row and you will be a happier person. Really.
Nobody else is that stupid.
Spend less time reading rec.juggling and more time practicing.
Jeez, I should have your problems.
Like, sometimes I'm tripping and I pick up three oranges
and I do a Mills' Mess and I look at my hands, I mean really
look at my hands, and I see all these fundamentalist
Christians crawling all over my body shouting "Just say
no!" so I go and stick my head in a bucket of water and
juggle upside down for a long time. Your Mileage May Vary.
Because anyone who would be competent to run the organization
has better things to do with their time. The people running
the IJA are very sweet and cuddly, I'm sure, but let's face
it, it's not a job that attracts captains of industry or
international statesmen. The IJA is not very well run because
it is just not very important.
While it is possible to explain this in a text description,
it is about as exciting to read as the Internal Revenue
Service instructions for form 1040. Go find a Burke and
get hir to show you.
Have a beer. Make out with your SO. Watch a video. Don't you
have anything better to do than juggle?
If you must learn something new, skip four balls and go
straight for five (even numbers are harder because the balls
can't cross over). Five balls is just like three but a
bit faster. In a couple of weeks when you have that down
you can post again for more ideas.
Read the FAQ.
It's available through the Juggling Information Service.
That's fully described in the FAQ.
No. I have added a software agent to USENET News that screens
out all test postings to this newsgroup. Your post, and this
reply, are only visible on your own news server. We look
forward to hearing from you when you have something to say.
It would be so nice if you could just look in the yellow pages
under "Juggling - Supplies and Equipment". However, because of
the questionable status of juggling in many communities, you
will not usually find such a listing. Instead, the vast
underground network of juggling prop shops has to resort to
listings in other sections of the phone book. You should be
able to find what you want listed either under "Escort Services"
or "Massage - Non-theraputic". Ask for someone who makes outcalls
and soon you may find Tom Kidwell or Neil Stammer at your door
with a case full of samples.
That was Steve Mills. The technical name for those wooden triangle
things is a "Mess".
This trick was invented in 1542AD by the Italian juggler
Chiopino Scallopini, and it has been handed down in the Scallopini
family ever since. Out of respect for the Scallopini family, no
other juggler will perform this trick.
In 1542, of course, a cannon ball was used instead of a bowling
ball. The original apple was replaced in 1863 when it began to
get mouldy, and is now in the Jugglers' Hall of Fame in Bologna,
Italy. Plan your next vacation there!
That was Dan Menendez, a great juggler, and a close personal
friend of Andrew Denton. This trick is a gimmick however - if
you look closely you will see that the balls do not actually
play the keyboard. Dan is really playing it with his feet. It
took him fifteen years of tap dancing lessons to get that good,
so you can give up any hope of learning that trick.
No, there are no jokes about juggling. It is a serious business
requiring the sacrifice of career, relationships and personal
hygene. One could no more tell jokes while juggling than tattoo
a portrait of Nancy Reagan on Madonna's boobs. Of course, there
are some things that jugglers say from time to time as if they
were funny - things like "A sudden gust of gravity" and "Anybody
got a lighter, thanks, anybody got a watch?" - but a moment's
consideration will reveal that these remarks are not in the
least bit amusing. Saying really stupid things in public is
just part of the self-humiliation that every juggler must go
through on the path to attaining enlightenment and a decent seven
ball pattern.
Much of the debate and opinion you'd find in
the rec.juggling archives on this issue is actually a debate
about "What are the second best clubs I can buy?" Beyond
any shadow of doubt, the Cadillac of juggling clubs are the
Napier-signature model JuggleBug Pro clubs. Call the Renegades
and ask for them by name. Oh, and be sure to ask for the
rec.juggling discount!
...Yo-yos?
- Yes. You're there.
...Unicycling?
- Yes, but sources say it's idling at the moment.
...Balloon Sculpture?
- No, not until some math weenie invents a notation to describe latex poodles.
...Clowning?
- This is rec.juggling. We EAT clowns here. Shag off, you red nosed
freak of nature.
...Mime?
- <Points over there>
<Way, way over there>
Andrew's home page
conway@juggling.org